Dancing Dan's Christmas
by Damon Runyon [1884-1946]
Page 1 of 4
Now one time it comes on Christmas, and in fact it is the
evening before Christmas, and I am in Good Time Charley
Bernstein's little speakeasy in West Forty-seventh Street,
wishing Charley a Merry Christmas and having a few hot Tom and
Jerrys with him.
This hot Tom and Jerry is an old time drink that is once used
by one and all in this country to celebrate Christmas with, and
in fact it is once so popular that many people think Christmas is
invented only to furnish an excuse for hot Tom and Jerry,
although of course this is by no means true.
But anybody will tell you that there is nothing that brings
out the true holiday spirit like hot Tom and Jerry, and I hear
that since Tom and Jerry goes out of style in the United States,
the holiday spirit is never quite the same.
Well, as Good Time Charley and I are expressing our holiday
sentiments to each other over our hot Tom and Jerry, and I am
trying to think up the poem about the night before Christmas and
all through the house, which I know will interest Charley no
little, all of a sudden there is a big knock at the front door,
and when Charley opens the door, who comes in carrying a large
package under one arm but a guy by the name of Dancing Dan.
This Dancing Dan is a good-looking young guy, who always
seems well-dressed, and he is called by the name of Dancing Dan
because he is a great hand for dancing around and about with
dolls in night clubs, and other spots where there is any dancing.
In fact, Dan never seems to be doing anything else, although I
hear rumors that when he is not dancing he is carrying on in a
most illegal manner at one thing and another. But of course you
can always hear rumors in this town about anybody, and personally
I am rather fond of Dancing Dan as he always seems to be getting
a great belt out of life.
Anybody in town will tell you that Dancing Dan is a guy with
no Barnaby whatever in him, and in fact he has about as much
gizzard as anybody around, although I wish to say I always
question his judgment in dancing so much with Miss Muriel
O'Neill, who works in the Half Moon night club. And the reason I
question his judgment in this respect is because everybody knows
that Miss Muriel O'Neill is a doll who is very well thought of by
Heine Schmitz, and Heine Schmitz is not such a guy as will take
kindly to anybody dancing more than once and a half with a doll
that he thinks well of.
Well, anyway, as Dancing Dan comes in, he weighs up the joint
in one quick peek, and then he tosses the package he is carrying
into a corner where it goes plunk, as if there is something very
heavy in it, and then he steps up to the bar alongside of Charley
and me and wishes to know what we are drinking.
Naturally we start boosting hot Tom and Jerry to Dancing Dan,
and he says he will take a crack at it with us, and after one
crack, Dancing Dan says he will have another crack, and Merry
Christmas to us with it, and the first thing anybody knows it is
a couple of hours later and we still are still having cracks at
the hot Tom and Jerry with Dancing Dan, and Dan says he never
drinks anything so soothing in his life. In fact, Dancing Dan
says he will recommend Tom and Jerry to everybody he knows, only
he does not know anybody good enough for Tom and Jerry, except
maybe Miss Muriel O'Neill, and she does not drink anything with
drugstore rye in it.
Well, several times while we are drinking this Tom and Jerry,
customers come to the door of Good Time Charley's little
speakeasy and knock, but by now Charley is commencing to be
afraid they will wish Tom and Jerry, too, and he does not feel we
will have enough for ourselves, so he hangs out a sign which says
"Closed on Account of Christmas," and the only one he will let in
is a guy by the name of Ooky, who is nothing but an old rumdum,
and who is going around all week dressed like Santa Claus and
carrying a sign advertising Moe Lewinsky's clothing joint around
in Sixth Avenue.
This Ooky is still wearing his Santa Claus outfit when
Charley lets him in, and the reason Charley permits such a
character as Ooky in his joint is because Ooky does the porter
work for Charley when he is not Santa Claus for Moe Lewinsky,
such as sweeping out, and washing the glasses, and one thing and
another.
Well, it is about nine-thirty when Ooky comes in, and his
puppies are aching, and he is all petered out generally from
walking up and down and here and there with his sign, for any
time a guy is Santa Claus for Moe Lewinsky he must earn his
dough. In fact, Ooky is so fatigued, and his puppies hurt him so
much that Dancing Dan and Good Time Charley and I all feel very
sorry for him, and invite him to have a few mugs of hot Tom and
Jerry with us, and wish him plenty of Merry Christmas.
But old Ooky is not accustomed to Tom and Jerry and after
about the fifth mug he folds up in a chair, and goes right to
sleep on us. He is wearing a pretty good Santa Claus make-up,
what with a nice red suit trimmed with white cotton, and a wig,
and false nose, and long white whiskers, and a big sack stuffed
with excelsior on his back, and if I do not know Santa Claus is
not apt to be such a guy as will snore loud enough to rattle the
windows, I will think Ooky is Santa Claus sure enough.
