Dancing Dan's Christmas
by Damon Runyon [1884-1946]
Page 2 of 4
Well, we forget Ooky and let him sleep, and go on with our
hot Tom and Jerry, and in the meantime we try to think up a few
songs appropriate to Christmas, and Dancing Dan finally renders
My Dad's Dinner Pail in a nice baritone and very loud, while I do
first rate with Will You Love Me in December As You Do in May?
About midnight Dancing Dan wishes to see how he looks as
Santa Claus.
So Good Time Charley and I help Dancing Dan pull off Ooky's
outfit and put it on Dan, and this is easy as Ooky only has this
Santa Claus outfit on over his ordinary clothes, and he does not
even wake up when we are undressing him of the Santa Claus
uniform.
Well, I wish to say I see many a Santa Claus in my time, but
I never see a better looking Santa Claus than Dancing Dan,
especially after he gets the wig and white whiskers fixed just
right, and we put a sofa pillow that Good Time Charley happens to
have around the joint for the cat to sleep on down his pants to
give Dancing Dan a nice fat stomach such as Santa Claus is bound
to have.
"Well," Charley finally says, "it is a great pity we do not
know where there are some stockings hung up somewhere, because
then," he says, "you can go around and stuff things in these
stockings, as I always hear this is the main idea of a Santa
Claus. But," Charley says, "I do not suppose anybody in this
section has any stockings hung up, or if they have," he says,
"the chances are they are so full of holes they will not hold
anything. Anyway," Charley says, "even if there are any stockings
hung up we do not have anything to stuff in them, although
personally, " he says, "I will gladly donate a few pints of
Scotch."
Well, I am pointing out that we have no reindeer and that a
Santa Claus is bound to look like a terrible sap if he goes
around without any reindeer, but Charley's remarks seem to give
Dancing Dan an idea, for all of a sudden he speaks as follows:
"Why," Dancing Dan says, "I know where a stocking is hung up.
It is hung up at Miss Muriel O'Neill's flat over here in West
Forty-ninth Street. This stocking is hung up by nobody but a
party by the name of Gammer O'Neill, who is Miss Muriel O'Neill's
grandmamma, " Dancing Dan says. "Gammer O'Neill is going on
ninety-odd," he says, "and Miss Muriel O'Neill told me she cannot
hold out much longer, what with one thing and another, including
being a little childish in spots.
"Now," Dancing Dan says, "I remember Miss Muriel O'Neill is
telling me just the other night how Gammer O'Neill hangs up her
stocking on Christmas Eve all her life, and," he says, "I judge
from what Miss Muriel O'Neill says that the old doll always
believes Santa Claus will come along one Christmas and fill the
stocking full of beautiful gifts. But," Dancing Dan says, "Miss
Muriel O'Neill tells me Santa Claus never does this, though Miss
Muriel O'Neill personally always takes a few gifts home and puts
them into the stocking to make Gammer O'Neill feel better.
"But, of course," Dancing Dan says, "these gifts are nothing
much because Miss Muriel O'Neill is very poor, and proud, and
also good, and will not take a dime off of anybody and I can lick
the guy who says she will.
"Now," Dancing Dan goes on, "it seems that while Gammer
O'Neill is very happy to get whatever she finds in her stocking
on Christmas morning, she does not understand why Santa Claus is
not more liberal, and," he says, "Miss Muriel O'Neill is saying
to me that she only wishes she can give Gammer O'Neill one real
big Christmas before the old doll puts her checks back in the
rack.
"So, " Dancing Dan states, "here is a job for us. Miss Muriel
O'Neill and her grandmamma live all alone in this flat over in
West Forty-ninth street, and," he says, "at such an hour as this
Miss Muriel O'Neill is bound to be working, and the chances are
Gammer O'Neill is sound asleep, and we will just hop over there
and Santa Claus will fill up her stocking with beautiful gifts. "
Well, I say, I do not see where we are going to get any
beautiful gifts at his time of night, what with all the stores
being closed, unless we dash into an all-night drug store and buy
a few bottles of perfume and a bum toilet set is guys always do
when they forget about their ever-loving wives until after store
hours on Christmas Eve, but Dancing Dan says never mind about
this, but let us have a few more Tom and Jerrys first.
So we have a few more Tom and Jerrys and then Dancing Dan
picks up he package he heaves into the corner, and dumps most of
the excelsior out of Ooky's Santa Claus sack, and puts the bundle
in, and Good Time Charley turns out all the lights, but one, and
leaves a bottle of Scotch on the able in front of Ooky for a
Christmas gift, and away we go.
Personally, I regret very much leaving the hot Tom and Jerry,
but then I'm also very enthusiastic about going along to help
Dancing Dan play Santa Claus, while Good Time Charley is
practically overjoyed, as it is the first time in his life
Charley is ever mixed up in so much holiday spirit.
As we go up Broadway, headed for Forty-ninth Street, Charley
and I see many citizens we know and give them a large hello, and
wish them Merry Christmas, and some of these citizens shake hands
with Santa Claus, not knowing he is nobody but Dancing Dan,
although later I understand there's some gossip among these
citizens because they claim a Santa Claus with such a breath on
him as our Santa Claus has is a little out of line.
And once we are somewhat embarrassed when a lot of little
kids going home with their parents from a late Christmas party
somewhere gather about Santa Claus with shouts of childish glee,
and some of them wish to climb up Santa Claus' legs. Naturally,
Santa Claus gets a little peevish, and calls them a few names,
and one of the parents comes up and wishes to know what is the
idea of Santa Claus using such language, and Santa Claus takes a
punch at the parent, all of which is no doubt astonishing to the
little kids who have an idea of Santa Claus as a very kindly old
guy.
Well, finally we arrive in front of the place where Dancing
Dan says Miss Muriel O'Neill and her grandmamma live, and it is
nothing but a tenement house not far back off Madison Square
Garden, and furthermore it is a walk-up, and at this time there
are no lights burning in the joint except a gas jet in the main
hall, and by the light of this jet we look at the names on the
letter boxes, such as you always find in the hall of these
joints, and we see that Miss Muriel O'Neill and her grandmamma
live on the fifth floor.
This is the top floor, and personally I do not like the idea
of walking up five flights of stairs, and I am willing to let
Dancing Dan and Good Time Charley go, but Dancing Dan insists we
must all go, and finally I agree with him because Charley is
commencing to argue that the right way for us to do is to get on
the roof and let Santa Claus go down a chimney, and is making so
much noise I am afraid he will wake somebody up.
So up the stairs we climb and finally we come to a door on
the top floor that has a little card in a slot that says O'Neill,
so we know we reach our destination. Dancing Dan first tries the
knob, and right away the door opens, and we are in a little two-
or three-room flat, with not much furniture in it, and what
furniture there is, is very poor. One single gas jet is burning
near a bed in a room just off the one the door opens into, and by
this light we see a very old doll is sleeping on the bed, so we
judge this is nobody but Gammer O'Neill.
